Friendship reforged before being completely abandoned

DEAR ABBY: I am a male scientist at a large university. Four years ago, I was surprised to receive an email from someone with whom I’d been friends many years ago, when he was a postdoctoral fellow in our department. We were good friends back then, but we lost contact when he moved east and quit research. He now works in computer security.

After he reinitiated contact, we resumed the friendship, with regular phone calls and emails.

Two years ago, he invited me to spend the day with him and his wife (whom I’d never met), when I visited my family on the East Coast. Since my family lives near him, I took him up on the offer and spent a very pleasant day with them at their home.

Abby, I never heard from him again! After sending several emails and a postcard thanking him and his wife for being gracious hosts, there has been silence ever since. Incidentally, we’re both Jewish, as is his wife. During the years before he reconnected with me, he became Orthodox and very observant, which I am not. Any thoughts about what is going on and what, if anything, I can do about it?

— BAFFLED IN CALIFORNIA DEAR BAFFLED: What might have happened during your visit with this old/new friend is anybody’s guess. I doubt your lack of religiosity has anything to do with this.

Perhaps his wife discouraged further contact. Because he never explained why he was withdrawing, you may never know. But as things stand, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. If you hear from him in another few years, feel free to ask him.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in my relationship for almost five years and believe that “nothing is constant but change.” My partner has caviar taste with tuna fish money. They like expensive things but can’t afford to maintain them. They rob from Peter to pay Paul, make purchases with high-interest charge cards and complain constantly they don’t have any extra money. They are presently looking for another job to make more money to spend.

I live on a fixed income.

I’m trying to control spending but end up in arguments about not having money to do things. My partner has mastered the art of spending other people’s money, including mine, which I think is selfish. Any suggestions about how to work out these money issues? — ALL ABOUT THE MONEY

DEAR ALL ABOUT THE MONEY: You and your partner have very different values when it comes to finances. THEY AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE.

This is one of the subjects that most frequently causes couples to break up. (Others include politics, sex, religion and child rearing.) My suggestion: End the relationship before this person causes you to go bankrupt.

DEAR ABBY: I still obsess over my first love, even though we broke up 21 years ago. We grew up in a poor mill town, where I was a frustrated, mediocre athlete.

She was a cheerleader. We shared fundamentalist religious beliefs that, along with poor access to contraception, led to our decision to “save ourselves for marriage” during our five-plus years of regular dating. Unlike most of our peers, we were able to attend college.

Around the time of my graduation, when many of my friends were getting married, she met a minor league baseball player and, in a very short while, traveled to another state with him and parted with her virginity.

Soon after that, she hooked up with a major college football player for a summer fling, and then with a much older divorced lawyer.

I put up a good front as I continued a rigorous graduate program, but I was physically sick and extremely depressed and disillusioned to the point of having suicidal thoughts.

By chance, I ran into her 15 years later. We were both married, and she was heavily involved in Christian ministry. I told her in a non-judgmental way that her affairs had been very hurtful. We had a nice lunch and parted on good terms, but she was unapologetic and dismissed all of that as “just sex.”

Abby, after all this time, I’m still confused. I don’t know what I’m seeking.

Maybe I want revenge. Am I crazy to hold on for so long, or do others carry their pain for a lifetime? — NOT SHAKING HER IN THE SOUTH DEAR NOT SHAKING HER: Yes, some people do carry their pain for a lifetime, unless they deal with it. You appear to have the entire roster of your ex-girlfriend’s romantic involvements. (She sure must talk a lot!) I have a strong hunch that what you wanted when you took her to lunch was a sincere apology for hurting you all those years ago. That none was offered illustrates the depth of her insensitivity. My friend, you don’t need revenge — you need to stop reliving the past. It is a waste of your energy. If you can’t manage to do this on your own, counseling may help.

Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.

Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.