Mom’s emotional distance bothers her family

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom has always been emotionally distant, and now that I’m an adult, I’m realizing just how much that’s shaped our relationship. Growing up, she wasn’t unkind. She made sure we were fed, clothed and cared for, but she rarely showed affection or talked about feelings. If I ever brought up something emotional or difficult, she would shut down or change the subject. I learned quickly that vulnerability made her uncomfortable, so I stopped trying. Now, as an adult, I want a deeper relationship with her. I try to ask her about her life, her past and her emotions, but she either laughs it off or deflects my questions. It feels like there’s a wall between us that I can’t climb over, and I’m left feeling rejected. My sisters and I have talked about this, and they feel it, too, but we don’t know how to approach her without pushing her away even more. How can I have a relationship with someone who avoids closeness? — Close the Divide DEAR CLOSE THE DIVIDE: You may have to accept the relationship that you do have with your mother. If she has always been guarded, you are not likely to be able to do anything to get her to change. You can ask her, of course, and tell her how much you long for emotional intimacy with her. Don’t count on getting it.