Friend is sidelined amid milestone celebrations

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends for 20 years with a kind and caring woman, “Brenda.” We always shared life moments, until recently.

I thought of her children as my own.

Her son got married (not in a formal or traditional wedding) and didn’t want anyone there except his parents, siblings and a few friends.

I was hurt that I wasn’t included, since Brenda always integrated herself into my life even when I may not have wanted her to.

That son and his wife are now having a baby. At first, Brenda told us to “save the date” for a couple’s shower. Then the wife’s parents chose a venue that holds a limited number of guests, so none of Brenda’s friends were invited. (They both come from big families and the expectant parents invited a lot of their friends.)

Brenda said she feels terrible and will have something else for us to celebrate another time.

Or, if people can’t come, she will then go to the “B list.” I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m so hurt and insulted I no longer want to be a part of this. I told her how I felt, and we dropped it.

I don’t want to end a friendship over it, but I am harboring ill feelings. I couldn’t even fathom celebrating something without her, and I am deeply disappointed she isn’t fighting for me. Brenda doesn’t want to make waves with the “new” in-laws and her kids. I don’t want to give a gift or share in future events as a “B lister.” How do I get over this slight and not hold it against her or her children? — SORE IN NEW JERSEY DEAR SORE: Here’s how: Understand the pecking order in that family.

The mother-to-be and her parents are in control, NOT BRENDA, who I’m sure is embarrassed as heck by what’s happening.

Her dear friends were excluded from the wedding, and now this. Forgive Brenda, refuse any invitation in which you are expected to give gifts to her daughter-inlaw, go on with your life and stop making this all about you.

DEAR ABBY: I am fortunate to have a great relationship with my in-laws. We live half a continent apart, so although we video chat often, we get to see them in person only two or three times a year. They are recent retirees, and we are planning to relocate together to a new location that is closer to my family and would be a desirable place for them to spend their retirement.

A couple years ago, my mother in-law, “Irene,” passed out twice in one day.

Since then, she has been showing signs of cognitive decline.

She has trouble finding words when speaking, leaves out words in writings, has some forgetfulness and an involuntary, repetitive facial tic. She refuses to speak with her doctor about it.

During their last visit, my husband talked with his father about our concerns for her health, and when his father spoke with Irene about it, she went ballistic! Abby, I don’t know what to do. We are excited about moving to the same town as my in-laws so they can spend more time with their grandkids, but if she’s not being honest about what’s going on, I won’t be comfortable having her and my easily distracted fatherin- law spend time alone with our children.

I also would like to plan for the future to make sure we are set up to help provide care for Irene if her condition worsens.

If I can’t bring this issue up with her, it will eventually damage the relationship that I feel so fortunate to have. Is there anything I can do, or do I stay quiet? — READY TO STEP UP

DEAR READY: When Irene collapsed twice in one day, was she taken to the emergency room? Wasn’t her doctor notified then? Her subsequent cognitive decline could be related to those incidents. Your husband and father-in-law should inform her doctor about EVERYthing that has been going on so that when she has her regular annual checkups (PLEASE tell me they have them) your mother-in-law can be evaluated physically AND neurologically. It would be an absolute shame if something could be done to address her condition and it was ignored.

On a slightly different subject, if and when you all move to the new community, it might be wise to scope out assisted living facilities for your in-laws.