Mom at odds with family about sleepovers
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a mother to a 9-yearold and a 12-year-old. We have a huge debate in our home about whether my children are allowed to go on sleepovers. I am fully opposed because I don’t know or trust the adults in the homes they would possibly be staying in. My husband and my children, on the other hand, say that this is a crucial part of childhood and that I am overreacting.
Despite my reservations, I recognize the importance of socialization and the bonding experiences that sleepovers can provide. My husband believes that by denying our children this opportunity, I am isolating them from their peers. He argues that many parents allow their children to participate in sleepovers without incident. My children feel disappointed and left out when their friends host sleepovers and they are unable to join. They assure me that they would adhere to any rules or guidelines set by the hosting family and that they are responsible enough to handle themselves in unfamiliar situations. How can I settle this disagreement while ensuring that my children’s safety remains a top priority? — Overprotective DEAR OVERPROTECTIVE: This is an age-old debate that is hard to resolve, especially when parents don’t agree. What I did when my daughter was young and started getting invited to sleepovers was to talk to the parents in advance about what the children would be doing and where they would be sleeping. I asked lots of questions to learn about who would be in the house and what the house rules were.
I also brought my daughter to the house and went inside and looked around to make sure I felt it was safe. Finally, I gave my daughter and the host parents my phone number to call in case of an emergency. It worked.
You might also consider hosting a sleepover at your house. That way you get to see how the kids behave together and how engaged their parents are. I guess my point is I agree with your husband that it’s worth a try — with precautions built in.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a new friend at work who has been married for more than 20 years. She recently revealed that hers was an arranged marriage. She comes from India, and it is her family’s tradition to have arranged marriages. I find that fascinating. She says she and her husband have had their share of ups and downs, but mostly it’s fine. Also, the understanding is that you marry for life, and that’s that. You choose to grow to love and respect each other.
Meanwhile, I have been married almost the same amount of time. I grew up in a Christian household that would prefer marriage for life, but it isn’t a requirement, and I am so sick of my husband that I don’t want to be married anymore. I listen to my friend and wonder if maybe things could be better if I could adopt her attitude, but I don’t know how. I don’t feel like my husband tries at all to be a good partner to me.
He expects me to do everything.
— Cultural Cues DEAR CULTURAL CUES: Why not talk to your husband about your friend and her marriage? Tell him how intrigued you are by what you are learning. This may open up a dialogue about your marriage. If you haven’t already, tell him what is making you unhappy and what you long for. Check in on his feelings. What makes him happy, and what does not? At this 20-year mark, what can the two of you do to refresh your commitment? Let this be a start.
