Woman pays high emotional cost trying to help mother

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DEAR ABBY: My mom always catered to my dad when I was growing up. I was left to pretty much raise myself. Their drinking and social life were their priorities. I ended up pregnant at 16 and married to an abusive 21-year-old man, and I was divorced at 17.

After that, I was on my own. Mom never helped other than writing an occasional check so my situation wouldn’t become her problem. She always blamed Dad for her absence in my life and my kids’ lives, so when he died suddenly four years ago, I foolishly thought we’d finally have this great relationship.

Since his death, Mom’s focus has been on trying to find a new man and hanging out with anyone who will party with her. Because she’s financially secure, they end up taking advantage of her. If I try to talk to her about it, she gets angry and defensive, which is her go-to when confronted with anything.

Mom has had a stroke and has many health issues.

When I get the call that she needs help, I take off work, do whatever I can to help and get her well again, only for her to go back to her selfish ways.

Am I wrong for feeling that it’s not healthy for me to continue this cycle? I tried to get her to see a counselor.

She went to one session and quit because she didn’t like the things they were saying.

She hates the truth and bends it regularly to fit her agenda. Any advice would be appreciated. — BROKEN IN ILLINOIS DEAR BROKEN: Your mother’s health problems are going to continue.

If the time off from work you have been taking is having a negative financial impact on you, you will have to weigh whether trying to please your self-centered mother (and possibly inheriting whatever is left of her estate when she passes) or concentrating on your career is more practical for your own future. I can’t make that decision for you. She has the money to hire someone if she needs help.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a 36-year-old daughter from a one-night stand. For the last two years, she has been wanting to meet his family, aunts, uncles. She has met them all except for our own children — her half-siblings. Our children are adults and don’t want a relationship with her.

She wasn’t part of their life when they were growing up, and now she’s calling their father Dad.

I feel awkward as well, knowing my husband knew about her and wanted nothing to do with her when she was younger. His family has accepted her and is pressuring our children to accept her and let her hang out. Are we wrong for not wanting to act like one big family? — AWKWARD IN TEXAS DEAR AWKWARD: If there is a victim in this scenario it is the daughter your husband denied for so long.

Although the situation isn’t something you are thrilled with, the young woman IS a part of the family. This isn’t the 1950s. The circumstances of her birth are not a reason for her to be ostracized.

Point out to your children that their half-sister IS a relative, and they should give her a chance. If they do, they may be pleasantly surprised to find that they have things in common.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband, “Wayne,” and I were dating 15 years ago, he would occasionally get angry and stalk off or bust a bag of chips, but after I gave him time alone, he’d be back like nothing happened. He always said that episodes such as this were something he was “working on.”

After we had children, the incidents continued occasionally. I thought it was because he worked hard, so as a stay-at-home-mom, I just gulped, gave him his space, and he would eventually get back to normal.

I continued walking on eggshells and tried diligently to not make him angry again. Embarrassingly, my son’s preschool teacher asked one time if everything was OK because my son mentioned that his daddy yelled at his mommy a lot.

Wayne lost his job six months ago and has chosen not to work since then. He doesn’t want to work for “the man” anymore, and his angry outbursts have increased. He has destroyed multiple items in our home (the trash can, our cooktop and a colander) in his anger.

Our kids are older now and witness these events, and I can no longer continue to live in this environment.

He’s setting a terrible example and I hate hiding out in the bedroom. I recently got a job to help with family finances, but I’m not sure I can focus with all this going on at home. I’ve suggested marriage counseling multiple times, but he ignores me. What do you suggest I do?

— CAN’T TAKE IT IN CALIFORNIA DEAR CAN’T TAKE IT: I am so glad you have a job.

Now it’s time to start saving as much money from your wages as you can so you and your children can escape.

(Keep it in a safe place.)

Normally, I might chalk up your husband’s inability to control his outbursts to job stress. However, your husband’s behavior seems to be escalating.

The toll-free phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800799-7233. It is available 24/7. I urge you to call and let someone there help you form a safe escape plan because you may need one.

DEAR ABBY: I have been close to my sister for most of my adult life. When my daughter Patricia was born, my sister created the nickname “Patzilla” — a combination of Patricia and Godzilla. I told her I didn’t like the name, and she stopped saying it — for a while. Now she’s using it again, and I’m deeply hurt by this. It’s not an association I want my child to have for herself, and it comes across as mean. Since my first expression of not liking this is being ignored, I’m not sure how to proceed. — HATES NAME-CALLING DEAR HATES: Your sister has a peculiar sense of humor. There are sweet nicknames, and “Patzilla” isn’t one of them. In fact, it’s rather mean and sinister.

How to proceed would be to not expose your child to anyone who ridicules her or calls her a name you don’t want her to have.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

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