Mother’s lessons are always timely

By Mon Valley Independent

Editor’s Note: Ron Paglia is away from his desk. This column, which originally ran May 11, 2006, is presented again by request.

By RON PAGLIA

Search the internet and you will find no less than 10 web sites with the “Things My Mother Taught Me” title.

No doubt there are others, but the ones I found are by Austin Repath, WALDSFE, Bert Christensen’s Truth and Humour Collection, Mitzi Bryant, Homilies by Mail, Harry Gluckman, Jests & Jokes, This Fun’s for You, Doctor Dialtone and Parenting Village.

The actual/original author of “Things My Mother Taught Me” seems to be unknown, as is the case with many things that appear on the internet. If anyone has a more definitive answer, please let me know so I can give credit to the right person.

Because Mother’s Day is only five days away, I thought you might enjoy these always timely thoughts.

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me religion. “You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about time travel. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me logic. “Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me more logic. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me foresight. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me irony. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about contortionism. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about stamina. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about weather. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the Circle of Life. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about behavior modification. “Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about envy. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about anticipation. “Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about receiving. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me medical science. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me humor. “When that mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me how to become an adult. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me genetics. “You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my roots. “Shut that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me wisdom. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about justice. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Don’’t forget to thank your mother Sunday for all the things she taught you.

And give her a hug and a kiss and tell her how much you love her. You know she taught you about true love.

I wish I could follow my own advice, but my mother, Iole G. Paglia, died on Dec. 12, 2010. She was 91 and her life with was filled with love. I miss her more every day.

If you have memories to share or a story idea, contact Ron Paglia at ronpaglia@verizon.net or c/o The Mon Valley Independent, 996 Donner Ave., Monessen PA 15062.